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Just Because: Country Breakfast Getting a Country Beatdown 22 Nov 2010 12:12 PM (14 years ago)

Question: What happens when a (used-to-be) unstoppable force meets an highly motivated and totally fucking psyched immovable object? The former gets the shit kicked out of him in :21, sees his hopes and dreams of some day holding a UFC title again completely destroyed and wakes up in front of thousands of people and asks, quite simply, "What happened?"

Ah, the sweet smell of humility.

The best GIF you'll ever lay your eyes on is after the jump. War Penn.

Did She Dried? 22 Nov 2010 11:27 AM (14 years ago)

The above title was lifted from the comments section for the video you're about to watch, and the only reason I use it (other than it being the only humorous play on the annoying-as-fuck meme "did he died") is because I'm tired as hell and in no mood whatsoever to try and come up with something catchy on my own.

But, hey, whatever right? If millions of douche bags can steal (and beat to death) some other illiterate asshole's attempt at humor then why can't I steal some nameless 'net troll's attempt at being ironic?

And speaking of irony, how many of you out there have drank to the point of stupification (yeah, I made that shit up) and actually thought that mashing yourself into a clothes dryer seemed like a good idea? Really? You have? Well then you have something in common with this silly broad.

Ironic, eh? Video after the jump.

Eye Candy: Rumor WIllis' Big Ass In Tights 22 Nov 2010 9:11 AM (14 years ago)

You know, as busted as this broad's face is I have to say that her ass stuffed into those tights has my ding-dong going all action-adventure while shouting "Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker!" And for those trying to paint a mental picture of my man-junk going action-adventure inside my pants, think the opening explosion in Die Hard With a Vengeance and you're about halfway there. Either that or stop thinking about my package all together. Freak.

For the rest of the series click here, and marvel at how an ass that scrumptious can belong on a body that also houses such an incongruous gob.

Lindsey Vonn Has the "Instinct" For Smokin' Hot Magazine Shoots 19 Nov 2010 4:52 AM (14 years ago)

Most of you know Lindsey Vonn as the first American woman to win the gold medal in the downhill at the 2010 Winter Olympics (and if you didn't before you do now, ya knucklehead). Some of you might also know her as the girl that broke your heart, but that was back in high school when you were all awkward and didn't know how to talk to girls. Seriously dude, don't blame yourself.

Well thanks to ESPN The Magazine after today you'll also know Little Miss Vonn as the girl who took Sharon Stone's iconic role in Basic Instinct, wrapped it in a dynamite coat, blew it the fuck up and then stomped all over the resulting carnage. And yes, she even shows us the money shot (albeit inadvertently and while wearing some pretty white panties).

Super-duper sexy behind-the-scenes video with said panty shot is after the jump, and please do everyone a favor and try not to get any on yourself. Pervert.

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Eye Candy: Aida Yespica Topless On the Beach 18 Nov 2010 10:51 AM (14 years ago)

According to Aida Yespica's Wiki page this yummy looking tart began her career (read: started making an obscene amount of money off mom and dad's genes) representing the state of Amazonas in the Miss Venezuela pageant back in 2002. She then went on to achieve cover girl status for mags like GQ and Maxim, but all of that shit pales in comparison to her appearance on the Italian version of Celebrity Survivor.

But fuck it, you don't care about any of that. You want to see some boobage, which you can find after the jump. Obviously these shots are totally NSFW.

Julie Bowen's Twins Are Hungry; Why Not Post It On the Internet 18 Nov 2010 6:10 AM (14 years ago)

I'm torn between being jealous of a couple of boob suckers and being a little disgusted that this broad felt the need to post this shit on the Internet. I'd actually be pissed if this wasn't such a blatant attempt at garnering some e-attention (or ettention; go ahead and use it on your friends). Nice rack though. Kind of NSFW image after the hump. . .I mean jump.

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down? 18 Nov 2010 5:24 AM (14 years ago)

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

"Comedy" Is In the Eye of the Beholder 17 Nov 2010 5:07 AM (14 years ago)

Every day -- I'm not kidding here. Every. Fucking. Day. -- someone does something so inherently stupid in my general vicinity that one can't help but stare in slack-jawed silence. Case in point: This dickhead. Apparently this took place in an Apple store, and while I'm sure dude is simply trying to be funny and score some kind of reaction from onlookers for the most part everyone just keeps their distance, presumably out of fear that if they stepped in and told him to knock off the nonsense they'd feel the wrath of four days worth of meth tweak.

My favorite part? It's at the 4:00 mark when the spawn of Shrek walks up and simply stares at Tweeky McTweekerson as if to say "Dude, my sense of humor is as underdeveloped as your brain, and even I don't find this shit funny."

Comedy is supposed to be funny. This, my friends, isn't it. Video after the jump.

Retarded Game Garners Even More Retarded Reaction 16 Nov 2010 5:07 AM (14 years ago)

Listen guys (and some gals), if you get so into a video game that after losing your only recourse is to smash your ridiculously expensive television then it's time to open the shades a bit, stretch your atrophied limbs and shamble your silly ass back into the land of the living. Look! There's an entire world out there that doesn't revolve around high score combos and +Dmg. I know, amazing isn't it? And here's the point to remember: If you stick around long enough you might even acquire real friends with real personalities. Oh, and girls. Don't forget the girls. No, you inept jackass, I'm not talking about these kind of girls. I'm talking about the kind of girls who don't find Call of Duty: Black Ops and a meat lovers pizza the perfect date.

Trust me Mulder, they are out there. Believe.

"A" For Effort, "F" For Totally Fucking Useless 16 Nov 2010 4:31 AM (14 years ago)

I know it's been a while since I graced you all with my presence, but between moving for the quadrillionth (?) time in 10 years and teaching indigent septuagenarians how to crochet their own diapers I've been busier than Robert Downey, Jr. at a frat party. Yes, that busy. But alas I have returned to force feed you all with the sort of mindless nonsense you've all come to know and love -- people doing dumb shit and girls dressed in skimpy clothes. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, it's party time.

Now I know I'm brash sometimes and the words I sling around aren't for everyone, but when you spend as much time as I have being exposed to and ultimately judging the general dumbfuckery going on in this spinning cesspool we call Earth you develop a certain level of disdain for pretty much everyone around you. Hell, even my immediate family isn't safe.

But enough of this getting reacquainted shit. It's time to get down to business, and what better way to kick things off than by watching the following douche bag attempt what can only be described as a bitch move and fail. Miserably. It's good to be back dickheads.

Bag, Meet Bag 19 Jun 2010 4:37 PM (14 years ago)

I don't even need to comment on this video clip. Just kick back and let the funny force fuck your eyeballs. Seriously, don't fight it; you're going to love it.

Later, War Machine 19 Jun 2010 5:44 AM (14 years ago)

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

Amy Winehouse Is a Filthy-Looking Bitch. . . 17 Jun 2010 2:58 PM (14 years ago)

. . .but I bet she gives some killer gob. I mean come on, look at her. No girl can look that fucking horrifying without compensating with some hidden talent or another, and considering she's been pricked (tee-hee) with more needles than a pin cushion her box is probably dryer than the Sahara. Banging that shit would be like beating off with 10-grit sandpaper.

I "Saw" a Big, Flapping Douche Bag 17 Jun 2010 2:14 PM (14 years ago)

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed. . .uh, tricycle. Not only did this dickhead spoof one of the lamest horror movie franchises to ever come burping out of Hollywood's gaping maw but he clearly let one of his "friends" get to that thing before he did.

That shit had "preconceived setup" written all over it.

Eye Candy: More Kim Kardashian Bikini Goodness (Now With Ass Crack!) 13 Jun 2010 5:27 AM (14 years ago)

Not Mad Skillz Yo 12 Jun 2010 2:22 PM (14 years ago)

This knucklehead just might be the most poetically gifted sum-bitch I've ever had the pleasure of listening to.

You know, for a mentally handicapped hood rat that bears more than a striking resemblance to LL Cool J.

Really man? Your penis is kind of small? She's mad because she caught you fucking her dad? Why not just go one small step further and let the entire world know that you also like sewing and piss while sitting down.

Front runner for douche bag of 2010? Methinks so.

Stanley Cup Parade Turns Into Grand Theft Auto 12 Jun 2010 6:12 AM (14 years ago)

First and foremost let me just preface this by saying I live in Michigan and am a fervent Red Wings fan, so fuck Chicago. Seriously, right in their collective asses. You better live it up now, because you have another four decades or so to wait for another one.

With that being said what you're looking at above is the Stanley Cup parade all the bandwagon jumpers skipped work to attend. It's all party-hardy and revelry until the boys in blue decide policing drunk and disorderly Chicagoans just isn't enough fun and take to mowing them down on All Terrain Vehicles. The kicker? In all the excitement one overzealous oinker plows into one of his own.

Man -- or in this case woman -- down. What a fucking idiot.

Eye Candy: Kim Kardashian In a Bikini 12 Jun 2010 6:01 AM (14 years ago)

This broad is Paris Hilton with tits, but as long as she kept her mouth shut and was up for all manner of sexually deviant behavior -- for some reason donkey punch comes to mind -- then she'd be allowed to sleep in my room.

On the floor of course, but I'd be a gentleman and let her use a pillow.

Eye Candy: Kate Gosselin's Yummy Milk Bags 11 Jun 2010 4:11 PM (14 years ago)

She may dance like an epileptic giraffe and makes a shit-ton of money by generally being a nuisance, but I'll be dipped in shit and set on fire if this woman doesn't have one of the most luscious racks this side of Lindsay Lohan. Go ahead, lie your ass off and say you wouldn't.

Dumb Ass Kid Uses Head As Brakes 10 Jun 2010 6:17 AM (14 years ago)

Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls: If a friend asks you if he should dial 911, never under any circumstances try to voice your opinion by blowing spit bubbles. It's hard to understand and most of us don't speak splat.

Either that or just wear a fucking helmet. Kind of makes sense, eh?

Giving New Meaning to the Term "Ass Face." 9 Jun 2010 4:04 PM (14 years ago)

I. Have. No. Words.

And the sad part is these people actually used their fucking brains and came up with the idea. Mankind is doomed.

Fatty Can't Fly 5 Jun 2010 3:11 PM (14 years ago)

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the SPLAT!

Skank-A-Saurus Is Attacking the City 8 Apr 2010 6:09 AM (15 years ago)

*shivers*

This is what haunts my nightmares. At least it will now. Jesus, what a nasty bitch. I bet she wipes her ass back-to-front.

Eye Candy: Sophie Monk All Kinds of Nip-Tastic 8 Apr 2010 6:06 AM (15 years ago)

In my next life I want to be a bikini. But not one that belong to a fatty. Fatties are gross.

He Didn't Need That Kidney Anyway 8 Apr 2010 5:53 AM (15 years ago)

Listen, I have a confession to make. I think most people are fucking idiots. Seriously, I have nothing good to say about most of you. People willingly subject themselves to the most ridiculous shit possible and they never seem to learn a lesson. Case in point:



You'd think this stupid ass kid would have realized that attempting a stunt he was clearly ill-prepared to perform was a tad on the dumb side, but as you saw in the above video -- not to mention the plethora of clips currently bouncing around the millions of email boxes around the Internet -- brains are certainly not a pre-requisite to strapping on a pair or roller-blades.

I hope it hurt, and if it didn't I eagerly volunteer to help make it hurt next time.

With a bat.