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Single White DA Seeks Victim for Hot Nights in the Jacuzzi 21 Sep 2010 5:55 AM (14 years ago)

I'd like to give a hearty congrats to Kenneth Kratz, a district attorney out in Wisconsin. You, sir, have the distinct honor of being so perplexingly scumbugarific that, at least for a moment, you've roused QuizLaw out its silent slumber so that I can share your tale with the one-to-three people who bother to check this site anymore. So last October, our dear Mr. Kratz was prosecuting a woman's ex-boyfriend for domestic abuse, which is the kind of thing we like our DAs to do.

What we don't like our DAs to do (it turns out, much to Kratz's surprise), is hit on the domestic abuse victims. Especially by sending a series of 30 texts messages during the same time that the prosecution is actually taking place.

The article provides some example texts and, well, how could any lady resist such enticing come ons as:

Are you the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA ... the riskier the better?

I would not expect you to be the other woman. I would want you to be so hot and treat me so well that you'd be THE woman! R U that good?

And when she showed an apparent lack of interest, because I guess there is a type of lady who can resist such enticing come ons, he stepped up his game:

I'm serious! I'm the atty. I have the $350,000 house. I have the 6-figure career. You may be the tall, young, hot nymph, but I am the prize!

That, in and of itself, makes Kratz a gem. But where he moves up the ladder to true winner is by his response to being confronted with these texts. In an interview, he apparently didn't deny sending them and, instead, got upset because publication of them would embarrass him. And since the Office of Lawyer Regulation found that he didn't commit any attorney misconduct, well, he shouldn't be embarrased. "I'm worried about it because of my reputational interests. I'm worried about it because of my 25 years as a prosecutor."

Rightfully so. Because fine, it may be that you've been found not to have done anything criminally wrong. and it may be that you've also been found not to have done anything ethically wrong (although this seems way fuzzier to me given the power dynamic between a prosecutor and a domestic abuse victim). But you still sent the texts, so it would seem, and so you're still the creepy married (I don't care that you claim to have been separated at the time) prosecutor hitting on a woman who had been choked out by her boyfriend. So if you get a reputation for being a prosecutor who hits on the domestic abuse victims who come through his office, well, seems like it's kind of on the nose, regardless of your 25 years as a prosecutor, no?

You are the prize indeed.

(Hat tip to reader Elizabeth)

(Source: WI State Journal)

Who dat gonna beat dem Comcast execs? 8 Feb 2010 5:00 AM (15 years ago)

Congrats to the Saints, and a "suck it" to the Colts. In celebration, here's Senator Al Franken giving a bit of a beatdown on one of the devils who are the people who run our cable companies.

(Hat tip: Gizmodo)

Only a Special Moment of Governmental, Bureaucratic Idiocy Could Bring Me Out of the Deep, Dark Cave Where I've Been Plotting* 5 Feb 2010 5:00 AM (15 years ago)

Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a fax in the machine. But the fax is upside down. If you don't flip it right side up, the words and pictures will be upside down. If you do flip it around, well, then you'll have to deal with it. What do you do? What ... do ... you ... do?

...Well, if you're the Patent and Trademark Office, you write a stupid letter to the sender of said upside fax, a letter labeled "Notice of Document Filed Upside Down." You then explain that the document must be resubmitted:

The faxed submission was received upside down. We are unable to continue processing these images.

As the fine folks over at Gizmodo say:

So we have a few assumptions we can make about the setup over at the USPTO. They either still take manual faxes, as in stuff prints out in reams of paper over in the bowels of some bleak office structure, or they take faxes digitally and don't have the expertise to use an image rotation program to rotate the damn image so it's right-side-up. Either way, it's hard to think of a situation that reflects worse on the people who are supposed to be judging our society's technological advancements based on merit.

'Bout sums it up, don't it?

Because there is still one little piece of my black soul that hasn't been eaten away by cynicism, I am going to hope that when the PTO says "upside down," they mean the sender flipped the paper over, so they wound up getting the tails side rather than the heads side. Because if it means the way you first assume, Obama has already failed, because hope is truly, utterly and completely dead.




*(Yes, by "plotting," I mean "slowly suffocating as a result of BigLaw's ever-tightening grip around my throat.)

The whole freaking system is out of order! 3 Nov 2009 5:30 AM (15 years ago)

Back in February, we told you about a major whoopsie that had been discovered in the Wilkes-Barry, PA juvy courts. Specifically, two judges were sending minors off to JV prison after taking millions of dollars in kickbacks from the detention centers taking in these rapscallions.

Well now the PA Supreme Court has thrown out five years' worth of convictions made by one of these judges. Thousands of convictions, in fact, up to 6,500. Well now the PA Supreme Court has thrown out all of this judge's convictions. Thousands of convictions, in fact, up to 6,500. Most of the kids who now have a mark smudged off of their record aren't likely to face retrial, either, even if their crimes were actually serious.

Let the civil suits roll.

(Hattip to Elizabeth N).

Fox News: An Ouroboros of Opinion and News 2 Nov 2009 5:30 AM (15 years ago)

After making a little fun of the Obama Administration's "war on Fox News," Jon Stewart unloaded on Fox News over its righteous indignation over the whole thing and showed us how things work at Fox. Awesome.

Hello Old-School Southern Racism, Good to See You Again! 19 Oct 2009 5:40 AM (15 years ago)

Wow, just wow. Keith Bardwell is a justice of the peace down in Louisiana who's been getting lots of press over the last few days because he's a bigot. Of course, he doesn't think he's a bigot -- he's just helping the kids.

See, Bardwell refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple last week, because it's bad for the children. In his experience, Bardwell says, interracial marriages don't last very long. And on top of that, from talking with some folks, he's decided that neither black nor white society tends to accept the children of interracial relationship: "I don't do interracial marriages because I don't want to put children in a situation they didn't bring on themselves. In my heart, I feel the children will later suffer." (At least he didn't call them dirty mulattos!)

And then there's this:

I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way.... I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.

Piles and piles of the blacks use your bathroom? Is it too late to take back Obama's Nobel Peace Prize and give it to Bardwell? Jesus Christ.

Reason Number 264 I Won't Be Moving to Alabama 15 Sep 2009 6:00 AM (15 years ago)

Because the Alabama Supreme Court recently ruled against Love Stuff, a sex toy store, in holding the state's anti-obscenity law constitutional. Said the Court:

Public morality can still serve as a legitimate rational basis for regulating commercial activity, which is not a private activity.... As the Eleventh Circuit in Williams IV pithily and somewhat coarsely stated: 'There is nothing 'private' or 'consensual' about the advertising and sale of a dildo.'

Yup. Alabama hates dildoes.

Bono? Is it Bono? B.J.? Kong? Come on, what the hell's your name?!? 14 Sep 2009 6:00 AM (15 years ago)

Earlier this month, a monkey was arrested in Perth, Australia, because he refused to identify himself to the police:

The monkey had declined to give his name when questioned by police, so they took him away. At the police station, the monkey was identified as a young man, Brenton Green, dressed in a realistic monkey suit.

Police had earlier received complaints that the monkey had been harassing passersby and knocked a hamburger out of a man's hand.

Just Because I'm an Ignorant Black Man Doesn't Give You the Right To Be a Worthless Tool 25 Aug 2009 6:00 AM (15 years ago)

Apparently, Alec Baldwin recently told Playboy that he's thinking about moving to Connecticut because he would like to run for Senate against Joe Lieberman. He's thinking about it, he says, because he's got "no use" for Lieberman. Amen, brother. Lieberman is about as big a tool as the Senate has to offer.

Lieberman, for his part, is up for the challenge. But he might want to think twice about that. I mean, can you imagine Lieberman debating a tour de force like this? It would be epic ... and Lieberman would lose in a fucking landslide.

Baldwin '12!

Scalia done been called out! 24 Aug 2009 6:00 AM (15 years ago)

Last week, Alan Dershowitz called the Scalia to the mat. In a recent dissent in a death penalty case, Dershowitz says that Scalia says the Constitution doesn't forbid the execution of a death penalty convict who later is able to convince a court he's actually innocent (I say that this is what Dershowitz says the Scalia says because I haven't actually read the dissent, and only have the excerpts Dershowitz gives us to go on -- but it sure comes out that way). Dershowitz then cites to a piece written by Scalia back in '02 where he said if his religion ever conflicted with his ability to judge, he'd step down from the bench.

So Dershowitz is calling the Scalia out:

I invite him to participate in the debate at Harvard Law School, at Georgetown Law School, or anywhere else of his choosing. The stakes are high, because if he loses--if it is clear that his constitutional views permitting the execution of factually innocent defendants are inconsistent with the teachings of the Catholic Church--then, pursuant to his own published writings, he would have no choice but to conform his constitutional views to the teachings of the Catholic Church or to resign from the Supreme Court.

Whaddaya say, Scalia?

Things Not to Do 20 Aug 2009 6:17 AM (15 years ago)

That's right boys and girls, we're back with another exciting installment of everyone's favorite list of common sense items, Things Not to Do!

1) Don't drive drunk.

2) Don't drive drunk at 1:13 in the morning.

3) Don't drive drunk at 1:13 in the morning on a snowmobile.

4) Don't drive drunk at 1:13 in the morning on a snowmobile in July, on one of the hottest days of the year.

It will come as no surprise that Mr. Joseph Quigley, a 31-year-old Vermont man, was found to have a BAC of .183%. Nor should it come as any surprise that this was Mr. Quiglye's fifth DUI.

Reason Number 325 Why I'll Never Move to Texas 19 Aug 2009 6:00 AM (15 years ago)

Because this fall, a 2007 Texas law goes into effect, having all public schools, under mandate, teaching the Bible.

Obviously, many folks are on board with this. Some aren't:

Tyler resident Havis Tatum disagress with Tucker. He said, "I don't want anybody teaching their religious beliefs to my child unless they want to send their child to my house and let me teach them my religious views. There is no difference."

Sorry Havis, but you have too much common sense for Texas. I'd take your family and move the fuck away while you still can.

Half of Me Says They Should Be Heavily Punished, The Other Half Is Jealous That I Didn't Do This as a Dumb Kid 18 Aug 2009 6:01 AM (15 years ago)

A pair of Missouri teen broke into a local go-cart joint and took their stolen goods to the local interstate.

Witnesses reported seeing the go-carts driving down the highway.

"Some people driving by thought it was odd there were go-carts on the highway, so they called in and reported it," Cool Crest's Kyle Breon told KMBC's Peggy Breit.

Only some people who saw the go-carts on the interstate thought it was odd? Really? I want to meet the guy who ws all "ah, just another day on I-70, with some go-carting kids passing me on the right."

The two 14-year-olds were arrested after a brief police chase.

Wanna get some pizza? 17 Aug 2009 6:00 AM (15 years ago)

Yes, things have been quiet around the QuizLaw front. Can't be helped, children. Dustin's days are busy running the best little entertainment review site in this corner of the interwebs, and I've been busy being a law talking guy. Times are tough, yo, and we got bills to pay. And the QuizLaw don't pay our bills.

But that's all beside the point, because there are more important things to talk about. Like the Florida man responsible for this headline: "Man arrested for hitting girl with pizza." But lest you think he assualted just any girl, let me clarify -- it would be his teenage daughter who was assaulted by a slice of pizza being flung at her neck.

Deputy Nick Vickers says the man used racist and sexist terms when he asked his daughter to turn off her computer, and she fired back with some crude language of her own.

Vickers says the father "intentionally threw a slice of pizza at the victim, striking her in the back of the neck, against her will."

So the daughter called 911, Daddy Dearest was arrested, and I was compelled to post on QuizLaw. Thank you Florida, you neeeeever disappoint.

And cops wonder why they're so often hated? 22 Jul 2009 9:00 AM (15 years ago)

Check this shit out -- in an area south of Milwaukee, a cop was patrolling the parking lot outside a music arena. It was late at night, and he found a teenager sleeping in his car. The cop knocked on the window and 19-year-old Travis Peterson explained that he had gotten a bit drunk at a Dave Matthews Band concert and so he was sleeping it off. Putting aside the fact that he was underage, that's very responsible of Mr. Peterson. The cop, however, was unmoved, and said that because the lot was being cleared he was ordering Peterson to drive off.

So Peterson did as he was told, and as soon as he was out of the parking lot, he was promptly arrested for drunk driving. At his trial, he was found guilty and hit with 60 days in the clink after the state argues that Peterson couldn't claim entrapment because he chose to drink too much in the first place.

The Wisconsin Court of Appeals has now told the state to take that argument and shove it:

"Drinking alcohol to excess, while inadvisable and unhealthy, is not unlawful by itself," the appeals court said.

Drunks of the world, hoist one in celebration of our win!