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You know how people keep saying they're trying to be a better person? Well, I'm the epitome of that kind of hypocrite people.

Why do I say that? Well, I know I've never been a good person. I know that. I'm always saying "okay, tomorrow you MUST be good. Control your emotions, suppress you anger, be careful of what you speak." but  when I meet friends I forget about all of that.

I say things I shouldn't say - I back stab, I talk about people's faults and what not. I never look at my own faults. It's bad but I know I have to admit it. I cannot lie to myself.

This won't do good in the long run. I have to start controlling myself. "Ask God and He will help you" indeed.  But without an effort to change, I will never benefit anything. Wallahualam.

Anyway. I have to think about what I have done in the past. I can't turn back time and change everything now can't I? I will just have to strive to be a good person - not great yet, 'cause I'm nooooo way near that. Start small.

Ok, Ivana. Get a grip of yourself. *_*

Ok, so my course had this Cultural Day thingy about three weeks ago. And im one of the dancers for a Sarawakian dance which required me to wear a Sarawakian traditional costume. Theres a lot of accecories and ornaments that are put around the costume and omg the horror i went through wearing the thing. I wanted to wear an Org Ulu costume but they gave me Iban instead.

Im starting to regret my decision of joining in the first place.

One of the accesorries i was supposed to use were these huge (weird) rings that are called buah pauh. The costume was nice and everything but the rings were unusable. so i decided to put them in my bag (or so i thought so).

I even hid them under an extra shirt i brought for obvious reasons but when i came back to my room there weren't there.

So until now i cant find those damn things and the owner is distressed about it because the things were handed down from generations to generations. i didnt really think it was THIS serious at first because first of all, the thing looks old (well,duh) and those are just ill-looking rings (no offence) but when Nyna told me how distressed she was and how they are meaningful to her i cant think straight. 

I know i should apologize to her personally. Nyna told me that its better if i told her face to face because she hasn't even told her parents yet about this... and im like WTH? how serious can she be about this. but im not in her shoes so i dont really know how valuable there are to her. so i cant really blindly say anything.

I just hope i can find them because its stressing the owner and me even more cz the pressure is on me. i just hate this position its very depressing.

Im never borrowing ath that is passed down from generations anymore. the distress it caused me, i'd never. God, help me in this, i cant turn to anyone else.

So I am finally able to log into my blog. Thank God. I've missed it. Anyway. There's this boy right. Who I obviously like. But he doesn't seem to like me back. I'm not sure whether I'm ok with it or I'm just to egoistic to accept this. He's a difficult person to comprehend. He's just too cool for me I guess.

The worst part is I can't see us together as being a couple or husband and wife (yes, I think that far) because we are just like fire and ice. I'm totally a different character than he is.

He never really show me interest even though I try to show him I'm interest. He always talks about pretty girls (which is kind of a turn off actually) but I don't know why I'm still crazy about him??!

It's like, every time he's near my heart would be racing madly. No joke. I've never felt like this about a guy. And I'm always so self-concious about my image whenever he's around. I mean, I know I'm not that pretty or up to par with his standards or requirement. I just hope I could stop thinking about him. It's not cool to like a person who doesn't show interest. I don't like to waste my time thinking about him but I can't help it! God, help me here!!

Heyyyyy! I've been busy these past two days. doing what you may ask? well, here I am to tell you that. LOL lame. okay.

So I came across the Young Visionaries Project Management post on some random page. I couldn't be happier! The post was about a voluntary program under AIESEC to help out at kids' shelter homes. So of course I volunteered.

We went to Rumah Kasih on Saturday. It's a girls' home. I didn't have transport but Karine offered to send. I didn't know anyone from this project except for a few. But I was so happy because I've found new (awesome) friends! So 3 more Indonesian friends and 3 other (very!) sarcastic boys. :/ But they're super friendly!

Rumah Kasih :)

Recently I have been thinking a lot about what I have contributed so far in life. And thinking hard about it, I haven't had a clue. So out of the blue I decided to try and focus on the one thing that I enjoy most - singing. I love to sing. I really do. Well, no surprise there, I'm sure most people enjoy this activity too. lol. I sing everywhere, anywhere and any time. And I'm pretty certain that I drive people crazy with my little hobby.

Okay, back to the subject. So during the holidays, I took up a singing class. We do these vocal warm-ups and all those singing stuff. I like my teacher, he's super professional. As the class progressed, I've learned a LOT - things I've never known before. But I'm not saying that my voice is amazing. I think it's decent, not amazing. Sad, but true. Sigh...

And the more I went for these classes, the more that he demands of increasing my vocal range I get frustrated. My throat has a tendency to fall sick any time possible. After a while I'm like "I give up"... but if I give up then what else do I have to satisfy myself? I studied dancing when I was younger, now that I'm a hijabi, I have to throw that dream out of the window.

6:00 am: aku bangun. kedengaran bunyi azan bergema memecah kesunyian pada awal pagi. aku terus terbangun. ku buka pintu bilikku dengan berhati-hati. berhati-hati agar bunyi pintu yang sedang membuka itu tadi tidak membangunkan mana-mana 'makhluk' yang siapa tahu ada di sini. aku terus menuju ke arah bilik air dan mengambil wuduk. pantas, tapi dengan berhati-hati agar aku pasti wudukku cukup sempurna. aku terus kembali ke bilik dan bersembahyang. dalam kekhusyukkanku itu, ku juga mendoakan agar diriku mampu mengharungi kesunyian untuk sepanjang hari. ku tidur kembali.

12 ptg: aku tersentak dan terbangun. aku duduk sementara sambil menge'check' sama ada telefon portalku menerima sebarang 'mesej' dari sesiapa. mana tahu, ada yang telah menerima panggilan S.O.S. aku kelmarin. namun, ahhh. tiada sebarang balasan. aku menguatkan semangat ke bilik air. dan cuba membersihkan kekotoran dari badanku. kekotoran daripada bersembunyi dari 'makhluk' yang cuba mengejar ku semalam. senjata aku masih ada peluru. namun, saban hari, semakin 'kering'.

4 ptg: hari kian gelap. radio portal aku membunyikan 'frekuensi' sedikit. namun, masih tidak dapat dibaca entah siapa yang masih hidup di luar sana. yang aku tahu, di selatan Mid Valley, dikatakan masih ada beberapa orang manusia. aku hanya mampu berharap dan mempercayai harapan tersebut. perkara tersebut merupakan pendorong aku untuk terus bertahan.

6 ptg: kedengaran bunyi guntur di langit. bunyi 'makhluk' yang tadi memecah kesunyian sekali lagi kedengaran. lebih kuat kali ini. ibunya pun sudah bangun dari beradunya. aku mula resah. aku hanya berbekalkan sedikit senjata mula memikirkan pelan seterusnya. tidak mengapa! esok, aku pasti akan bertahan juga. walaupun bekalan makanan kian kehabisan, aku berjanji akan bertahan. ya, Khalif! kita akan berjumpa semula. aku berjanji.

11 mlm: hujan yang lebat tadi mula merintik-rintik. aku melihat halaman blok aku. gelap! semuanya gelap! ah! rinduku pada kehadiran manusia bertambah dari hari ke hari. oh, Khalif. akan ku menguatkan diri. engkau pun sabarlah. dan tunggu lah kedatangan aku. kita akan bersatu semula. aku berjanji!

Hallooooo and behold ladies and gentlemen. this is the first post on my blog since i became a university student. ive been neglecting my blog. sorry,blog. ive been busy *hands on chest,eyes looking up* <-Google translate.

Im fully aware if i post this on facebook more people will see. so im trying my best to be more discreet about my life from now on. i said *try*

Ok, just a quick recap. started first Uni week in hell, which turned out prettay awesome. lessons started like crap. i didnt like the atmosphere and some people here and there. i also wondered why im in UM in the first place. i guess thats how life is when youre adjusting, no? but i ended up liking 98% of them now. some i still hate with a passion,but slowly eroding that feeling for religious purpose. lol.

Ive met awesome friends and reconnected with old friends who turns out to be my best friend. mentally, im slowly changing for the better. i think. im staying at a college which is located a kzbillion light years away from the main campus, but i still cherish every steps i take. *bless my thigh muscles for coping*. my bad days are slowly turnin into good ones because of beautiful friends and a beautiful uni. oh. my spendings are diabolical. BUT. im thankful. im blabbing too much.

Also im quite busy now especially this week. so no one invite me to any great events or else i'd feel tempted to go.

Ape tah,aku pun taktau tajuk larian hari Sabtu tu... ape2 pun,sebagai guru yang bertauliah aku ditugaskan menjalankan tugas aku yang pelbagai tu ...(tapi aku tak buat pun).


Anyway,hari tu bermula dengan aku hirupan teh..

Then aku ke padang. acara dimulakan dengan persembahan2 tah pape. selepas beberapa jam,larian pun start.



Yay,dak2 gedik berlariiiiiiii!

In my case,ASK the darnest things. ive had a very unproductive week as my term comes to an end. but i also had the weirdest week. every week is weird anyway. but this week is certainly,the numero uno.

Here,i list some of the most frequent questions asked by my students:

1. Teacher,how old are you?
I'd usually shrug. but keep them guessing.. hehe.. so i'll ask them back "how old do i look?". some nice ones will say 22,24 and even 21. how sweet. the evil ones would just jump to "31?". the worst was "50". i know theyre joking anyway.. some smarter ones will say "youre 19/20.. because i saw you last year in your spectacles". LOL.

2. Teacher,do you have a boyfriend?
I get this. FREQUENTLY. almost everytime after the age question. i'd blush. but i really am clueless on how to answer. sometimes they'll pair me up with other single teachers in school. even if i deny them,they'll tease. so in the end i'd just say yes. then they'll be satisfied. aaahhh,those kids.

3. Teacher,what do you teach?
This one lagila i taktau how to answer. ive taught so many subjects i dont know how to make them sound realistic. im sure no one will believe. its cz i dont have a fixed subject. most of the time i teach English. but since moving to the afternoon session,ive already taught Geography,Maths,Science,Civics,BM,Islam,Kemahiran Hidup. amazing,i havent taught History yet... hmm...

4. Teacher,are you married?
I'd love to say yes. so i do. and i'll add in a baby in my fabricated story. then.i'd realise i'd make a mistake. being curious beings,they'll bombard me with demanding questions. ive had one period of lesson lost due to the amounting pressure of having to answer the question related to this lie.

5. Teacher,do you have a Facebook account?
I'll just say no. but,they'd find me anyway. Facebook is really bad for us. i literally mean and experienced the effects. stay away from this overrated social networking site.

6. Teacher,which one of your parents is Chinese?
REALLY! i get this A LOT. i dont know how they got this. do i look Chinese or something? not that theres anything bad about it. but seriously,do i?? some would say yes (for God knows why) some would say no (from my Chinese-English slang?). but its sweet anyways they think im THAT exotic. lol.

7. Teacher,why are your eyes so big?
This one i kena give up la.. i seriously am gobsmacked whenever these children ask me this question. like really... how the hell should i know why my eyes are big? if it is.. alhamdulillah,im happy to have a pair of them... to answer your question,is my question too.

Anyway,those are some questions i can think about now. Ta all you losers.

Last Saturday,for the first time i was invited to be one of the teachers in charge of giving and reviewing the report cards of students on The Parents-Teachers Day (also known as Hari Permuafakatan). anyway,the least i can say is - i felt honoured.

So on this fine Saturday morning i parked my car and walked to the Hall and took my seat. i was Cikgu Faizal's assistant for his class 2 Jujur. a few minutes with no sign of parents,Cikgu Faizal went out to do some errands,leaving me alone.

In the midst of being alone,the parents decided to show up. i was like "why didnt you come when Faizal was here? im clueless". what to do right? i just had to fake it.

Me: Assalamualaikum... nama?
Parent: *something-his-name-is*
Me: *pretends to know what im about to do while searching for the report card with the name* oh,OK.

.....................

Me: Aaahh,ok encik,ni report card anak encik. anak encik dapat nombor so and so dengan purata so and so and bla bla bla.. yada..yada..yada...
Parent: *angguk2*

*after a few more explanations and faking professionalism*

Parent: Ok,thank you cikgu.

After he turned his back,i was beaming - with pride. then after a few more parents i felt comfortable. my favourite parent was this Punjabi guy. hes soooooooo nice! and had fun poking fun at his son.

Needless to say,i felt like a true teacher. ive never been proud. being a teacher is awesome - aside from the students,classes and paper works. what is left? great other teachers who have become great companions. thats whats great about being one.

Aku sebenarnya dari dulu,tak tau bila la agak-agak dari umur 10 tahun kot,teringin sangat-sangat jadik askar hehe. aku sangat menyukai profesion yang mulia ini! aku suke cite perang. Band of Brothers,Pearl Harbour. pape pon... semuanya my favourite...

Lepas SPM 3 tahun yang lepas ada hati nak join the Marines... seronok kot! interview pon anytime aku boleh pegi. malangnya... ketinggian aku tak mencukupi sebanyak 1cm dan aku rabun. patah hati masa baca syarat-syarat tu..

Walaupun aku hanya boleh putih mata melihat mereka yang jadi askar,aku hanya boleh berangan je.


Kehkehkeh... dok berangan je cik Ivana.. bila la nak kawen ni? huuuu~ berangan lagi hehe.

Baru hari ni aku terasa kehilangan arwah.. mungkin sebab semalam aku kabur abis. mcm xcaye je arwah pegi semalam. aku baru sense something plik bila sorang kawan aku ni tetiba msg aku kate dia ada hal nak gtau so aku kena banyak bersabar. aku pelik sebab mamat ni pun jarang contact aku,tetiba ja nak text aku. then second text from Nabil sampai. "Bana,aku bok tauk Ismail Hairi bok ninggal pagi tek". Ismail Hairi. Ismail Hairi? Ismail Hairi? bape ratus kali aku rewind nama arwah mase tu pun aku still xleh nak proses lam otak aku. seriously aku terasa nak mual.

Semua memories. Omg. Ase cam xcaye je arwah penah rapat sgt2 ngan aku suatu ketika dahulu... Xcaye aku penah jalan bersama arwah. mane arwah pegi aku ikut,mane aku pegi arwaha ikut. Xcaye arwah dulu sanggup datang jauh ke kelas semata2 nak bergurau senda. And aku still menyesal xamik2 gambar ngan arwah masa last day arwah sekolah. arwah memang betol2 nak. tapi salah aku sebab aku wat joke sal gambar tu then xjadi nak amik. and aku regret masa dulu2 aku salu sgt gado ngan arwah sal benda kecik2. teringat time arwah jeles... memang lawak tapi... aku still simpan kotak ferrero rocher arwah bagi. ingat time arwah gelak dpt tau aku still simpan and transform benda tu jadi tabung. omg.. ni pun nangis xhenti2. study pun payah kalau fikirkan balik sume memories ngan arwah. camne nak lulus? tapi apa arwah minta dari aku,wat aku tabah and terasa makin nak laksanakan permintaan arwah.

But nak wat cam mane kan,Allah lebih menyayangi arwah.. bape kali da aku type perkataan 'arwah'. aku xpeduli la orang nak kutuk blog aku cam skema gler tah pape. i dont care. peduli la wat you ols nak fikirkan. aku type ni pun tuk meluahkan perasaan aku. nama pun blog aku. sigh... Ismail... rindu sangat2... rindu...

"I chose this picture,because it exudes youre calmness. I hope you stay calm wherever you are... I will always be praying for you. For youre peacefulness in the afterlife. If youre ever looking down. You know youre always being thought about and somebody is always praying for you. I hope i do recover fast from this. you wouldnt want anyone to be sad about this,im sure. Rest in blissful peacefulness." -Ameen.

Its 3.22pm and i still cant believe you passed away just this morning. For the last couple of days i was thinking of texting you and i wanted to do it today. Then i checked my phone & found out about this. Just last week,I was talking to Cikgu Fathi about you.

I will always remember:-
*the day i first spoke to you,outside my classroom. you had this innocent face (how wrong was i?) haa..
*when we used to text everyday
*when you elbowed me in the staff room,that was cute haha
*you as the only boy who still treated me like a friend even after breaking up
*when you were mad at me and you blew me off in front of your friends,i was so embarrassed
*i hated you for that,lol
*you went to my class to give me an Eid card eventhough you were still mad at me
*you told me you had a bad accident
*the day i called you when STPM results were out & you sounded so happy
*when you called me after SPM results came out & you were happy for me,awww. that was the only time you "showed" your happy emotions about me achieving something (cz usually you will always make fun of me)
*you gave me chocolates & theres still one more but xkan sampai-sampai selamanya da... :'(
*how Cikgu Fathi is always making jokes about us :-s err.. im pretty sure he's gonna ask me about you on Monday. :'((
*WHAT YOU ASK ME TO DO,inshaAllah i will make it,brother. i will never forget. never!

theres so many good & bad memories i shared with you. you were one of my bestest and understanding friend. and it truly breaks my heart to even type this.
i will always be praying for you.
may Allah place you with the people of strong faith.
Ameen...

~AL-FATIHAH~

hiiya! and assalamualaikum :)

Islam is a beautiful religion indeed in contrary to the beliefs of some westerners. I do get why Islamophobia is such huge thing in some parts of the world. what you see,is what you believe. i admit,if i wasnt a Muslim and living in the US or somewhere else with news covering on suicide bombings,beheading and such i would hate Islam myself.
Islamophobia is happening because Islam is highly regarded as a violent religion. there will always be news on Pakistan,Taliban,Afghanistan,Iran & Iraq. terrorism,suicide bombings..just to name a few.

i have in the past talked to several kafeers (non-Muslims). i particularly remember this convo about this guy who was telling me about how he hated Islam and that he had proofs on why Islam is a bad religion. I asked him what proofs he had and he explained a lot of things- all of them are lies. i asked where he got these "proofs" and he told me he had a copy of the Quran with him.

People have to remember that Islamophobia is on the rise now. what with people spreading lies and hatred slogans against the religion ever since 9/11. most kafeers will never forgive the Muslims for what happened (eventhough 9/11 was a LIE and i have proofs-but thats a different story) so theres gonna be a lot of things being said about Islam. they will never stop. fake Qurans made by the kafeers are abundant. access to these "Qurans" are easily made. please people,dont be so gullible to believe the lies. it makes me sick.

when a Muslim commits a crime,he is always considered a terrorist or is linked to Al-Qaeda. Religion is always mentioned. but when criminals of other religion commits a crime,religion is never mentioned. Women who wears the hijab is considered oppressed but when the Nuns or Jews wear head-coverings theyre considered as practising their faiths.

People should remember that,in every religion,there are always cults and worshippers who are deviated.

If youre happy with your religion,by all means go for it. im not trying to convert everyone reading this to Islam,im just trying to correct the misconceptions.
Im not brilliant in everything let alone in Islam. but i do know my own faith. i know i belong as a Muslim. im totally faithful and im kearning new things everday about Islam.
im glad i have friends who help me out with these things.







ASSALAMUALAIKUM.

oh,heres something to reflect upon. it has great lyrics. i always feel bad after hearing this song. :'(