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False impressions 21 Aug 2013 | 02:35 am
Paris Hilton says she was only pretending to be an airhead in the TV show she used to star in. She must be a very good actress. To be fair, I only ever saw one episode of The Simple Life. Maybe I woul...
Eproctophilia 14 Aug 2013 | 03:27 am
A correspondent asks me why I haven’t commented on the strange case of a young man who is attracted to girls who break wind: “I can’t think of anyone better qualified to offer an expert opinion,” he ...
Apps with benefits 7 Aug 2013 | 04:00 am
A cheeky baboon asks me if I have the Bang with Friends app on my smartphone. “In the first place, I don't have a smartphone," I reply with casual haughtiness. "And in the second place, the app would...
Wet nurse offer 31 Jul 2013 | 03:25 am
My females want to breastfeed the royal baby. “Invite them to the Congo!” they demanded. “You’re always telling us how well-connected you are to the English upper classes and how you once refused a k...
Liquid gold 24 Jul 2013 | 03:29 pm
Faithful readers of this blog will know that I’ve always been generous in my praise of humans whose discoveries have illuminated the dark corridors of ignorance and superstition, often paving the way ...
Bieber spanking threats 17 Jul 2013 | 01:39 am
I’ve noticed a couple of people saying they’d like to spank Master Bieber, presumably on his bottom. The first one is Mary Schlegel, a mother from Iowa, infuriated at Bieber’s late arrival for a conce...
Ginger's confession 10 Jul 2013 | 02:30 am
Ginger Spice has admitted trying to seduce George Michael when she was an aspiring starlet and he was a pretty boy singer. “I’d made plans to marry him,” she explained. “I used to practice kissing hi...
Brain anomaly 3 Jul 2013 | 01:50 am
An English anthropologist has explained why the human masses are obsessed with celebrities. It seems that their brains are hard-wired that way because of a unique arse-licking gene (a.k.a. “butt-kissi...
Hairy crab 26 Jun 2013 | 01:30 am
I hope David Hasselhoff doesn’t sue the scientists who named a species of crab after him. They decided to call the creature “The Hoff” because it farms a colony of bacteria on its hairy chest. They su...
Food fights 19 Jun 2013 | 01:13 am
Sergio Garcia has apologized to Tiger Woods for offering to serve him fried chicken for dinner. When Tiger said he found this “hurtful” I thought he must belong to the Chicken Liberation Front, but ap...
