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The Man Made of Marshmallows Mailbag 25 Aug 2013 | 08:41 am
As a recurring feature, we'll be taking reader questions and prompts sometimes. How often this feature will recur after this one: Probably never, honestly. Anyway, James has a question he'd like me t...
Language and Writing 23 Aug 2013 | 08:49 pm
"How strange it is to be anything at all" -Neutral Milk Hotel, "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea" One thing that marvels me about language is that there is any language at all. I mean, it's an top-down ...
Young Alex Enters An Essay Contest 18 Aug 2013 | 06:17 pm
Hello, my name is Alex, age 13, and this is my entry into the National Writing Contest. As this is the regional draw, you can sure bet that I'm happy to be here. Ha. I'm in seventh grade. My favorite ...
5 Scenarios I'm Certain Would Drive Me Insane 12 Aug 2013 | 09:49 am
Introduction Let's cut to the chase: Humans are quite adaptable. If you made the world three times stranger, I do not think humans were thrice as hardy - I think we'd simply push a majority over the e...
Violent Metaphors Masquerading As Lucid Prose 9 Aug 2013 | 02:42 am
This is rather pretentious and irritating even to think about, but I can't deny it: I've always considered a) myself a funnyman and b) Pearls of Mystery to be a funny blog. Oh, no, we're certainly no...
Alex Doffs a Fedora and Attempts to Explain to Himself Why People Don't Invite Him to Parties 5 Aug 2013 | 09:06 am
Have you ever seen a spirited conversation of hand gestures and agreements in a crowded, noisy restaurant, and then suddenly had the realization that that conversation is not happening because it's ac...
Apotheosis 26 Jul 2013 | 02:40 pm
Repetition without purpose is meaningless. Have an endgame with repetition. Don't dawdle. Do reflect. Take advice but do not be a fool. Give advice but do not be a moralist. Know your own aims and...
Jokes 24 Jul 2013 | 08:58 am
I want to tell you a joke. But I lack all comic timing. So I'll have to set it up really well or simply never tell it. I want to tell you a joke. Not that I have a particular joke in mind, I just wan...
Sensory Experiments 22 Jul 2013 | 06:18 am
I'm getting mixed messages from everyone I know. They tell me I'm crazy and they tell me I'm cool. They don't know if I'm just trying to be weird or if that's the way God made me and I'm just living t...
Eulogy 26 Jun 2013 | 07:37 am
The priest addresses the church, filled to the brim with everyone I've ever known. All have their attentions directed utterly to the podium. "WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, KITH AND KIN, TO THE FUNERAL OF ALE...
