15 things you absolutely must know about social media or your face will melt off and get eaten by goats 27 Aug 2013 | 12:28 am

Disclaimer: Every so often I have to reduce my xanax dosage so that I don’t develop a tolerance and I’m doing that right now and I’m having some withdrawal issues, so if this post seems fuzzier and mo...

I blame Steve Jobs for this. 25 Aug 2013 | 10:56 pm

A series of texts I sent to my friend Maile after the rotten wood on our deck was replaced: To her credit, Maile was unflappable and assumed that my deck, dock and cock were all equally well-crafted....

A friend for Beyonce. 23 Aug 2013 | 11:26 pm

Conversation with Victor: me: I FOUND A MAILBOX FOR US. Victor: We don’t need a mailbox. me: And yet I still found one.  It’s like a goddamn Christmas miracle. You've got mail, motherfucker. Vict...

I seriously feel freaked out. Nice job, cat. 19 Aug 2013 | 09:10 pm

You guys are totally fucked up. Never change. 17 Aug 2013 | 12:01 am

I opened up my mail today and was surprised to find a shitload of drugs in it, and I assumed it was some sort of weird sting, but turns out that my post office gave me the wrong box and the drugs were...

Fun with Google Analytics 14 Aug 2013 | 01:29 am

Every so often I like to check in on Google Analytics to see what people are searching for that brought them to this blog.  Occasionally I’ll filter the results to just show those searches that contai...

“LOVE ME MORE, SMALL HUMAN.” 9 Aug 2013 | 09:48 pm

I tweeted this but some people can’t see it so I’m putting it here. The cat has taught my daughter a trick. I’m very…proud?

If I drown this week this is all going to seem very ironic. 7 Aug 2013 | 09:09 pm

This is an email thread from my friend (who will be renamed Liz in case people want to throw things at her. But please don’t. She’s awesome): Liz:  I read your post last week about the royal baby.  Y...

Blogging is dead and I’m awesome at it. 6 Aug 2013 | 06:26 am

Today Time Magazine came out with its list of Best Blogs of the year and somehow this blog was on it.  I can only assume that someone at Time Magazine was very drunk.  In their defense, they did begin...

I’m sure there are several logical explanations, but it’s still momentarily baffling. 4 Aug 2013 | 10:34 pm

******************** And in less slightly-confusing news, it’s time for this week’s wrap-up: What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card b...